Wednesday, July 25, 2012

I can't go through this again

Three years ago, we went through a really rough time with Logan. So rough that we took him to a child psychologist a couple of times because I thought he was emotionally unstable and we needed help dealing with it. He would freak out and throw tantrums over the littlest of issues, and would become completely irrational and unreasonable and physically violent. He would tell us "I want to hurt you" and become physically violent with us and sometimes try to hurt himself. It was terrifying and horribly difficult to live through. And this went on for probably close to 6 months. Without a doubt, this was the most difficult parenting challenge I've ever had to face.

Then we got through it, I chalked it up to a phase that he grew out of, blocked out some of the most horrible encounters from my memory, and moved on. He still had some outbursts, but nothing like he used to have. Until last week. And then again last night.

It all started with a simple mistake in the way he wrote the number 3 on one of his papers from school. When I helpfully corrected him, he became angry and insisted that the way he wrote it was right, and that every other number 3 in the world was wrong. He insisted, despite me and Aidan calmly pointing out other examples throughout the house. He tried to rip up his paper, and when I refused to let him by putting the paper where he couldn't reach it, he launched into a fit of rage.

He kicked me, punched me in my arms, my throat and my head, pinched me, pushed me, screamed at me. All despite my calm, but firm voice (which I'm impressed I was able to mostly maintain) begging and pleading with him to stop, and my insistence that I loved him and wanted to help him get through it. He was relentless and very difficult for me to physically restrain.

At the point where I got punched in the throat and had to pin Logan on the ground to protect myself, I couldn't help but cry, which then really upset Aidan and made him cry. On his birthday, of all days. It was a terrible ordeal that didn't end until Adam got home to talk some sense into him. And then he was fine and we went to Moe's for Aidan's birthday as planned. It's like he's two different people.

Later that night at bedtime, he told me he doesn't like being wrong, and was mad that I told him he was wrong. This is really scary to me, because what if he reacts that way when his teacher tries to help him when he's wrong? How do we prevent that?

I'm literally sitting here crying right now and sick to my stomach with worry, because I can't go through this again. I can't watch as my child screams that I don't love him and he doesn't love me, and he would rather die than do what I want him to do. I can't physically handle his force now that he's bigger. And there's so much more at stake now that he's in public school.

The physical bruises hurt, but the pain in my heart and the fear of what's to come and what this means about the person he's going to become is too much to bear. Where did my sweet Logan go and how can I get him back?

Happy Logan


  1. Becky, I'm so sorry to hear about Logan's meltdown. :(

    I know this is extremely low on the totem pole of importance right now, but I did nominate you for 2 blog awards. I hope you check it out and maybe it will bring you a small smile!

  2. Oh sorry about the tough time. Your honesty in this post is amazing and made me cry! You are such an awesome mom, with 3 kids who adore you. Way to keep your cool and remain calm during the meltdown. Kids get so many different emotions going and don't know what to do with them - and I think moms get the brunt of that frustration.

    You've done the mom thing much longer than me, but I just wanted to tell you from a teacher perspective that first, it's good you are being honest about all of it, so that if it does happen at school you'll be ready to work with them. But, more than that, just remember that kids can be so different in a school setting. I know he had a hard time at daycare last week, but he's so comfortable there too. In his kindergarten classroom where he's still feeling things out, he's probably guarding his emotions very carefully. And when he gets home, where he feels comfortable, and knows you'll love him no matter what, he's letting those feelings out.

    Seriously, that's really not much help. But, I just wanted you to know I'm thinking about ya...

  3. I'm so sorry Becky. This is the scary thing about being a parent - there are only so many things that are in our control when it comes to our children. You are much more of a pro than me, so I don't have much advice to give. The only thing I can think to say is keep doing what you're doing. Shower him with love as much as possible. Your sweet Logan is still very much there, even when he goes through rough patches. If you feel like he needs outside help I would definitely seek it out sooner rather than later and don't be ashamed of it! Maybe it is just a stage, though. I will pray for you guys.

  4. Thank you guys SO much for all of your kind words, they really do mean so much to me! I don't pretend my life is all unicorns and rainbows, but this was hard to hard to admit. Shannon, I hope you're right about the comfort zone thing, and I hope this post is one I can look back on (sooner than later!) and be thankful that we're through it.


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