Don't Cry

Don't Cry

Please don't cry over my casket
For I am not there
Please don't cry at my grave
My soul has been set free
I know it's hard not to cry
I've been down that road one too many times

I have no more pain
I have no more sickness
And I would not change a thing
As I walk through the gates of Heaven
Mom Dad our brothers and sisters
Will welcome me with open arms
Here I am free of that pain

Don't blame yourself
It was my time to go home
This is where I'm supposed to be
Don't dwell on things which you cannot change
I will always be in your heart

I will always be watching over you
When that day comes for you to come home
I will be there to welcome you
With open arms
And walk you through the gates of Heaven
You will be greeted by our family & friends
Who came home before you
Until that day I will be watching over you.

-Author Unknown

***

It's been two months since my dad passed away, and I can thankfully say that I'm doing much better emotionally.

We had a very small funeral service for him on June 19, which was absolutely gut-wrenching for me. I don't have much experience with death, so even just being that close to his ashes especially after not having seen him in so long was almost too hard to bear.

During his service, I did nothing but heave ugly, loud sobs. I can't even remember the last time I cried that hard. It seemed like every prayer, every word spoken, pulled at every emotion I had buried deep down inside long ago.

The sermon was the hardest, but it was also cathartic in a way. The Reverend didn't know my dad--she only knew him through talking to my mom. But everything she said was perfect.

"Because we are created in God’s own image, we yearn for relationship, and beauty, and a sense of rightness about the world. Because we are human, however, we tend to get off-track. Fear, anger, disease, confusion...all kinds of brokenness can get in the way of our longing for relationship, stability and home."

"...the gifts of connection and stability for which we long were gifts that sometimes eluded him. That is its own particular kind of loss for those who loved him, and we mourn that today as well."

"We yearn for God because God yearns for us, and God has brought Bill home. That doesn’t mean everything will be easy for those of us who remain. There is mourning to do. There may be the work of forgiveness and reconciliation yet to go. We humans always wound each other, even with the best of intentions, and whenever someone dies there may well be wounds that need healing, sorrows that need soothing, joys that need to be remembered."

-The Rev. Sarah Ball-Damberg (excerpts from her funeral sermon for Bill Kehoe)

I debated with myself about whether I would actually go to the service. Part of me thought I lost the right to mourn him when I cut him out of my life. Part of me thought it would be too hard. All of me was scared. And I was right, it was too hard. It was scary. But it was closure. Almost as if the Reverend's words and the prayers we said transformed my tears from pain to healing. I do take comfort that he's in a better place, free from that fear, anger, disease and confusion that plagued him in his life here on earth. As the Reverend said, "Bill is at rest in the God who made him, cherished him, and cherishes him still. Thanks be to God. Amen."

Between May 31 and June 19, not a day passed that I didn't cry at least once. But the poem above, which was included in his memorial bulletin, really resonated with me. My mom told me that it's exactly what my dad would have said, and I am able to take comfort in that. I still have some moments of sadness and pain, of course. I'm still working on healing my wounds, soothing my sorrow and remembering the joys. But time heals. I'll get there.

Funeral service bulletin. Photo circa 1986.

My subconscious and the ache in my heart

My subconscious is nuts. For the past few weeks, I've been having dreams several times a week that I'm pregnant. For the record, I'm not (although that would be a good explanation for my recent weight gain...ha!). But maybe subconsciously I want to be?

I think I'm just really struggling with my baby growing up. The dreams started when we bought Lorelai a new bed and ditched the crib and glider. I was no longer rocking her before bed, like I had done just about every night since she was a baby.

Reality smacked me in the face—I'll almost certainly never have another baby to rock to sleep. To tuck into a crib. To nurse. To diaper (but not sad about this one). There's been an ache in my heart that I now realize has been growing every time Lorelai hit another milestone that furthers her (and me!) from babyhood.


Squishy baby Lorelai, 2010

It's half crazy/half understandable (thanks to this well-timed article I read the other day that so eloquently reiterates my feelings—it's like she read my mind and my half-written blog draft) because I know in my mind that 3 is the right number of kids for our family. I'm good with that, and I happily tell people that I do not plan to any more babies. But it's so hard to officially say goodbye to something that has been such a part of my life for the better part of 10 years, including the time I was pregnant. Yes, I even miss being pregnant.


Squishy baby Aidan, 2004

When Aidan and Logan hit certain milestones, I think it felt different because I knew in my heart it wasn't final—or I didn't want it to be. For example, when Aidan moved out of the crib, Logan was 6 short weeks away. When Logan moved out of the crib (well, converted toddler bed), we had literally just days earlier found out Lorelai was on her way, so it didn't have the impact this milestone is clearly having on me.

I don't know yet how to balance my joy that my kids are growing up (that's sort of the whole point to this parenting thing—raising kids) with the pain that they're not sweet cuddly babies anymore, wholly dependent on me for everything. Maybe it's selfish that I want them to stay little and stay with me forever. But it's easier to protect them that way.


Squishy baby Logan, 2007

Maybe the part of the ache is fear of the unknown and moving out of my comfort zone. I was good with babies. But tweens/teens? Yikes. I know I'll learn as I go, just as I did with babyhood, but I'm still so nostalgic for that time in my life. The time when I first became who I now realize I was always meant to be—a mom.

I know I'll be a mom forever, but I have to get used to being a mom without a baby. And like Sarah Bessey says, I've got to learn to live with the ache.


Aidan, Logan, Lorelai. Each chunkier than the next. :)

Sometimes I cry because I'm so happy

The other night, I checked on each of my kids before I went to bed, just like I always do. I took a snuggly sleeping girl to the potty, and gave each boy a kiss and fixed their covers. And as always, I whispered in their ears how much I love them, how amazing they are, and how lucky I am to have them.

I always hope that my loving words will make it into their subconscious or their dreams or something. I don't know. But that night, by the time I made it back into my bed, I was literally in tears (and I may or may not be in tears again as I write this). At that moment, I was so overwhelmed with the love I have for those 3 special people.

I cried to Adam, marveling about how happy I am because of them. How much I love and cherish our family. How awesome our kids are. How did we get so lucky to call them ours?

What a good feeling.

Capturing the moment versus being in the moment

I have an arguably bad habit now (since I've been blogging, maybe? Eh, probably before, since I've had kids) of thinking in photographs and photo-worthy moments. I don't have a camera in my kids' faces ALL the time (unless you count my cell phone...which you probably should) but when it comes to the bigger moments and events, I feel a strong need to document the occasion with pretty photos. As if it won't be real or official unless I get real, official photos.

When we decorated our tree this year, I made Aidan and Logan change out of their pajamas into actual clothes, got out my camera...and took a total of 3 pictures. Literally. Turns out, I was too interested in helping put the ornaments on the tree than taking photos.



At the time, I didn't think twice about it and had a lot of fun decorating with the family, but after the tree was all decorated and everyone had gone off to do other things, I had this disappointment that I missed the moment. I almost had each of them pull an ornament off the tree so I could take a "candid" (ha!) pretty photo of the decorating. I realized that I was being silly though. My pictures of the annual decorating of the tree might not be plentiful or perfect, but they exist, and it's (hopefully) enough to help me remember the moment years down the road.

I think that's my biggest thing with photos (in additional to just really appreciating nice photography). I have a terrible memory and fear that if I miss a photo, I'll miss a memory, or my kids will miss a memory. I don't want any of us to forget playing Christmas music--and the subsequent arguing over which songs to thumbs up or thumbs down on Pandora, ha!--while reminiscing about each sentimental ornament and deciding which would go on the tree and where.

And I never want to forget that Lorelai's idea of where ornaments should go drastically differed from mine. :) She gets an "A" for effort though. I loved Aidan's, Logan's and her enthusiasm for tree decorating.




I guess it's the age-old question of mamarazzi everywhere: how do I capture the moment and still be present in the moment? If I have to choose, will I regret not getting the perfect photos in my mind to remember the moment?

In general, I feel like I'm pretty good at balancing the two, and don't feel like I've truly missed anything while looking through my camera lens. But I think I need to do a better job about not beating myself up if I miss the perfect shot to capture the moment, because it still happened regardless. And hopefully what the kids remember when looking back at photos is that I was there and in the moment with them.

Which also means I need to be better about getting out from behind the camera. Hmmm, maybe I should recruit Adam and go stage some photo ops after all. :)

Finding the good

It takes a certain mindset to be able to look on the bright side and find some good in any situation, and I know for me, that mindset is tough to get into a lot of times. It's something I've been working on though, both for myself and with the kids.

It's something I'm coming back to now, because Lorelai has been challenging lately. Work has been challenging lately. Occasionally homework has been challenging. So in this moment, I'm choosing to find the good out of those challenging moments.

"Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful." ~Buddha


>>>Lorelai was sick last weekend, but at least I got to cuddle her when she crawled up in my arms when she fell asleep.



>>>We thought she was feeling better so we went to see Despicable Me 2 and walked around the mall. Unfortunately, it was too much too soon for her, because as we were playing outside, she took a turn for the worse and threw up again. At least it was on the driveway, and not on the couch where we almost took her.



>>>Adam was out of town last week, but at least I got through two mornings, on schedule, without a single meltdown.

>>>Of course work is pretty much always challenging in one way or another, but at least I was able to take a vacation day on Friday to volunteer at our elementary school's Boosterthon Fun Run fundraiser.



>>>For the second year in a row, I saw a parent cheating at the fundraiser by marking off laps some kids didn't earn, and kids cheating by cutting through the course. At least I know my kids followed the rules, were good sports, and got legit credit for the laps the earned the hard way. (And at least the school got more money for those falsified laps? I don't know--this one still bothers me...)



>>>Aidan got sick in the middle of the night this weekend, projectile vomiting all over the bathroom. At least he made it to the more easily cleanable bathroom and didn't get it on the carpet. And at least he was able to sleep in until almost 9:30 to make up for lost sleep and recover so he was all better the next day. (Special thanks to Adam for letting me sleep in as well!).

Most of all, what gets me through any day, any tough moment: At least I have my family, and the deep love we share.

And it never hurts to be completely silly sometimes, even in the midst of a homework meltdown or Cheeto meltdown . That's always a good thing. ;)




PS: Sorry for all the gross sick talk...but it's a big part of what's made things feel challenging lately!

Summer break is FLYING by

On Friday, I had a moment of panic, realizing that we were already 2 weeks through our 5-week summer break from school.

We were sitting at the pool having an impromptu pizza dinner, hanging out with our neighbors and a friend from Logan's class. The kids were having a blast, and I was totally enjoying the evening. A great way to celebrate the first official day of summer.



As I was chatting with Logan's classmate's mom, she said that open house is on July 11 (school starts on July 15). I had my moment of panic, and her response was more, "Only 3 weeks of summer left, yay! Back to "normal"! But in my mind, I'm thinking OMG only 3 weeks left, oh no!!! There's so much fun stuff we still need to do, and it seems like 2 weeks just slipped by without much notice. In 3 WEEKS I'll have to deal with packing lunches, homework, and much less flexibility to spend time enjoying ourselves outside, going the pool, and hanging with friends on any random weekday we choose. Panic, I tell you. (It's the homework that gets me, if I'm being honest. Adds so much stress to the evenings.)

Fortunately though, we've already checked two things off our summer bucket list. Last Monday, we went to a Durham Bulls game with my work. Had hot dogs, got cotton candy, ate ice cream sandwiches, saw an awesome home run, and stayed up past bedtime. Still only made it to the top of the 3rd inning (damn these 7:05 games, so not good for little ones!) but it was a great night. Lorelai cracked us up because she kept asking where the cow was. We would all tell her it was a bull, but she couldn't grasp the concept. By the end of the night, it was a "bull cow" but she couldn't let the whole cow thing go.



And then on Saturday at 9:20am as we were eating breakfast, Adam just happened to check movie times and saw there was a 10am showing of Monsters U. We scrambled to eat and get dressed and made it to the theater just in time. I was so proud of us for being so spontaneous and fun (that's two days in a row!). We even hit up the food court afterwards for some lunch. Cool parents for the win!



It was a great movie. Unfortunately I missed several parts because Lorelai had to go to the bathroom literally 4 times, which never happens at home. It was her first movie in a theater, so I think she was just antsy and wanted to walk around. But all things considered, she did really well.


We rounded out the top-notch "make the most of summer" weekend with a cookout at my Aunt and Uncle's house--another very summer thing to do.



But I still can't shake this feeling of not enough time. Maybe it's part of an overall sense of time flying that's really getting to me. Aidan turns 9 in a month, and Lorelai turns 3. Logan's not far behind them when he turns 7 in September. Kind of blows my mind every time another year rolls around for each of them.

In the same way my mind jumps 3 weeks ahead to homework and lunches and our typical frantic evenings, it also jumps years ahead to middle school, high school, my baby going to kindergarten, driver's licenses, boyfriends/girlfriends, and my kids just plain old growing up and not needing me. Wow, this post just to a turn...


(Hey look, I even just so happen to have pictures to semi-illustrate my point! My daughter is almost 3, going on 16...and it freaks me out!)

I don't know. I guess the thing I need to learn (and I keep going back to this) is to enjoy the moments we have now, and try not to worry about the future until it gets here. Technically we only have 3 more weeks, but on the other hand, that's 3 whole weeks! Look at that, the glass just got half-full again. :)

(And now I'm off to order an ice cream maker so we can check off one more item on our summer bucket list.)

If nothing else, I was meant to be a mom

I've had a rough and stressful couple of weeks at work that's left me questioning myself professionally. Questioning my abilities. Questioning my worth. Questioning my purpose. Maybe I wasn't meant to do this job and don't have what it takes.

But with all of those questions and doubt that sometimes swirl in my head, there's one thing about myself that I know without a doubt: I love being a mom. I was meant to be a mom. I have what it takes and I enjoy it.





Does it mean I'm a perfect mom? Of course not, there's no such thing. Could I do things better? Yes. Am I doing my best? I truely believe so. I love my kids with every fiber of my being. I'm there for them. To nurture, guide and care for them. To set limits. To teach respect and responsibility and how to love in return.



Despite all the sleepless nights, tantrums (oh so many tantrums), and doubt about how best to parent during difficult situations, I've never once questioned my decision to become a mother. I've never once thought that I don't ultimately have what it takes to be a good mom. I'm certainly not bragging. I'm just confident.





As disappointing as it is to be in a position where I'm questioning my professional abilities, it's comforting for me to know that my job doesn't define me. I have always been a mother first (as made clearly evident to my coworkers from the massive amounts of pictures of my kids I have in my office, ha!). My career will never be put above them. I'd be more than sad to see it go (because of the paycheck), but as long as I have my kids, I have purpose and fulfillment and I'll be okay. And that's exactly how it should be.

That perspective helps me make it through the tough times, both at work and at home. If nothing else, at least I'm a good mom and that's no small thing.



PS: I feel like I need to clarify--I don't always feel so down about work. I've been enjoying my job for the most part (especially since my promotion), and I'm very grateful for it. I'm comfortable with my decision to work outside of the home, but that doesn't stop me from daydreaming about what it would be like to stay at home. The grass is always greener, right?

PPS: These are (obviously?) more pictures from Strawberry picking. Told you I had a bunch of them! :)

Linking up with Mandy's Mama Memoirs

Beautiful Mama

Being a mom can often be hard, stressful, tiring and scary. At the same time, it's also the most rewarding job out there, worth every moment. No doubt in my mind, when I look at these beautiful faces.







But it's often a thankless job. I know my kids and hubby love and appreciate me, but it often goes without saying. That's why it means so much when someone from the outside looking in recognizes and appreciates the kind of mom I am.

Layana at Raising Reagan passed along a sweet blog award to me, the Beautiful Mama award, and it's such a nice one because it's about motherhood--the thing I'm most passionate about!

While I don't typically pass along blog awards (boo on me), I do want to pass this one along, just to recognize some other moms who inspire me through their blogs. There are SO many mommy bloggers out there who inspire me so this was tough to narrow down, but here are a few:

Ariel from Dreams to Do, who always has a knack for eloquently writing what I'm thinking. Her post on losing control really hit home for me, because I've been there. Love her perspective on it. We're very similar in many ways, so I always love reading her blog.

Maria, from Every Day is Country Song, who had a long and emotional road to travel on the way to finally bringing home her sweet girl, Piper.

Noel (who also nominated me for a Very Inspiring Blogger award, thanks Noel!) from High Heeled Mama, who's always so fashionable and has a great perspective on showing her daughter the importance of being fit, active a healthy. She makes me feel bad for sitting on my butt all weekend (in a good way!)

Nancy from Ordinary Miracles & The Crazy 9, who's a mom to 7(!!) with some touching adoption stories and amazing and inspiring photos of her sweet kids.

Meghan from Love Meghan, whose post on unconditional love had me nodding my head in agreement.


If you also want to play along, here are the rules:
1. Use the above image in your acceptance post.
2. List 3 things you love most about motherhood.
3. Nominate as many other deserving mamas as you'd like!

Three things I love most about being a mom:

1. Being needed. This one kind of sounds selfish, but it's true. I love that they need and want me to be there for them, hold them, snuggle them, read to them, kiss their boo boos, talk to them and teach them. And I love doing those things.

Even if it means reading Lorelai the same book over and over again...



dealing with Aidan's tricky school situations...



or handling one of Logan's massive meltdowns.



2. Seeing their tight sibling bond grow. My kids love each other, and it makes my heart swell with joy. The way Aidan and Logan care about and look after their sister and each other is a gift. I hope it lasts forever and ever.




3. The unconditional love I feel. It's overwhelming sometimes how much I love my kids. It'll hit me when I'm snuggling and rocking Lorelai before I put her to bed and I just don't want to let her go. Or when the boys get off the bus with huge smiles on their faces, excited to tell me about something that happened at school. Or when we're playing outside or having an impromptu family dance party in the kitchen after dinner.



Sometimes I wonder how I got so lucky.


Also, linking up with Mandy's Mama Memoirs (another mommy blogger who inspires me, btw!), because what's more appropriate to share about motherhood than the reasons why I love it so much?! :)