I don't even know how to start this post, other than to say that Logan did it again. He went absolutely crazy and I had no idea what to do. I'm an emotional wreck right now and completely questioning my abilities as a parent. (Bear with me on the rambling, I'm hoping I'll feel better if I write this out...)
Yesterday morning, Adam left early to go out of town again so I was on daycare and bus duty. Not much changes with our routine, except the boys have to leave the house about 15 minutes earlier than they do when Adam takes them to the bus, but they're usually ready anyway. Unfortunately, we didn't have any pop tarts, and apparently that was the only thing Logan was willing to eat, so he freaked out. Refused to do anything I asked (it's a miracle he even got into the van with me), including getting on the bus. He was refusing to go to school, saying over and over that he hates school and won't go.
I literally had to drag him onto the bus and block the door so he couldn't run out. His bus driver (a total saint!) ended up parking the bus in the middle of the road so he could get out and physically pick Logan up kicking and screaming to wrestle him (with my permission) into his seat which took a great bit of effort, apparently with some help on Aidan's part to keep him in the seat. All the while, I'm in hysterics on the side of the road watching helpless, as cars are looking on waiting to pass.
I was mortified and sick to my stomach with fear, sadness and helplessness. Fear that Logan would try to run off the bus into traffic, hurt someone or get suspended. Sadness that my sweet boy gets like this. Helplessness over the whole situation and the fact that I have NO idea what to do when he gets like this, or how to snap him out of it. There's no reasoning with him when he gets like this. No amount of bargaining, bribing, punishing, guilt or pleading I do has any effect.
The good news is that he made it to school safe and sound, and after some serious convincing to get him off the bus and into the building, had a decent day at school and didn't get suspended. I was hoping he would be forced to go to the principal's office and that would scare him straight, but all he got was a friendly chat with the vice principal in the hall to make sure he was ok.
I, on the other hand, pretty much cried all day (left work early and all). Why does he do this? Why does it seem to only happen with me? What have I done wrong? What do people think of me? What does Logan think of me??
We did have a good conversation when he got home about how what he did was wrong, and he seemed sorry and seemed to get it. I explained that his actions have consequences and he has to be punished (he's grounded for the rest of the week, and on technology restriction through the weekend) so he knows it's wrong and won't want to do it again. He said he doesn't like seeing me cry and only says he doesn't like school when he gets upset like that. But he said he doesn't know why he gets so upset like that. And he clearly doesn't know how to calm himself down, so I have no confidence that my calm chat with him will have any impact on future behavior.
As much as it hurts me to admit, I'm thinking it might be time to call in some professional help again. I need someone to tell me what to do to prevent this, or how to snap him out of his insanity, because whatever I'm doing just isn't working. He doesn't respect my authority--I have no control over my own child. That's terrible. I'm scared for his future and my sanity.
I said it before, I'll say it again: I just want my sweet Logan back. I can't go through this again.
And even though I fear being judged--both me and Logan--maybe by putting this out there, someone will have some advice for me, or at least tell me I'm not alone. Maybe?