My subconscious and the ache in my heart

My subconscious is nuts. For the past few weeks, I've been having dreams several times a week that I'm pregnant. For the record, I'm not (although that would be a good explanation for my recent weight gain...ha!). But maybe subconsciously I want to be?

I think I'm just really struggling with my baby growing up. The dreams started when we bought Lorelai a new bed and ditched the crib and glider. I was no longer rocking her before bed, like I had done just about every night since she was a baby.

Reality smacked me in the face—I'll almost certainly never have another baby to rock to sleep. To tuck into a crib. To nurse. To diaper (but not sad about this one). There's been an ache in my heart that I now realize has been growing every time Lorelai hit another milestone that furthers her (and me!) from babyhood.


Squishy baby Lorelai, 2010

It's half crazy/half understandable (thanks to this well-timed article I read the other day that so eloquently reiterates my feelings—it's like she read my mind and my half-written blog draft) because I know in my mind that 3 is the right number of kids for our family. I'm good with that, and I happily tell people that I do not plan to any more babies. But it's so hard to officially say goodbye to something that has been such a part of my life for the better part of 10 years, including the time I was pregnant. Yes, I even miss being pregnant.


Squishy baby Aidan, 2004

When Aidan and Logan hit certain milestones, I think it felt different because I knew in my heart it wasn't final—or I didn't want it to be. For example, when Aidan moved out of the crib, Logan was 6 short weeks away. When Logan moved out of the crib (well, converted toddler bed), we had literally just days earlier found out Lorelai was on her way, so it didn't have the impact this milestone is clearly having on me.

I don't know yet how to balance my joy that my kids are growing up (that's sort of the whole point to this parenting thing—raising kids) with the pain that they're not sweet cuddly babies anymore, wholly dependent on me for everything. Maybe it's selfish that I want them to stay little and stay with me forever. But it's easier to protect them that way.


Squishy baby Logan, 2007

Maybe the part of the ache is fear of the unknown and moving out of my comfort zone. I was good with babies. But tweens/teens? Yikes. I know I'll learn as I go, just as I did with babyhood, but I'm still so nostalgic for that time in my life. The time when I first became who I now realize I was always meant to be—a mom.

I know I'll be a mom forever, but I have to get used to being a mom without a baby. And like Sarah Bessey says, I've got to learn to live with the ache.


Aidan, Logan, Lorelai. Each chunkier than the next. :)

If nothing else, I was meant to be a mom

I've had a rough and stressful couple of weeks at work that's left me questioning myself professionally. Questioning my abilities. Questioning my worth. Questioning my purpose. Maybe I wasn't meant to do this job and don't have what it takes.

But with all of those questions and doubt that sometimes swirl in my head, there's one thing about myself that I know without a doubt: I love being a mom. I was meant to be a mom. I have what it takes and I enjoy it.





Does it mean I'm a perfect mom? Of course not, there's no such thing. Could I do things better? Yes. Am I doing my best? I truely believe so. I love my kids with every fiber of my being. I'm there for them. To nurture, guide and care for them. To set limits. To teach respect and responsibility and how to love in return.



Despite all the sleepless nights, tantrums (oh so many tantrums), and doubt about how best to parent during difficult situations, I've never once questioned my decision to become a mother. I've never once thought that I don't ultimately have what it takes to be a good mom. I'm certainly not bragging. I'm just confident.





As disappointing as it is to be in a position where I'm questioning my professional abilities, it's comforting for me to know that my job doesn't define me. I have always been a mother first (as made clearly evident to my coworkers from the massive amounts of pictures of my kids I have in my office, ha!). My career will never be put above them. I'd be more than sad to see it go (because of the paycheck), but as long as I have my kids, I have purpose and fulfillment and I'll be okay. And that's exactly how it should be.

That perspective helps me make it through the tough times, both at work and at home. If nothing else, at least I'm a good mom and that's no small thing.



PS: I feel like I need to clarify--I don't always feel so down about work. I've been enjoying my job for the most part (especially since my promotion), and I'm very grateful for it. I'm comfortable with my decision to work outside of the home, but that doesn't stop me from daydreaming about what it would be like to stay at home. The grass is always greener, right?

PPS: These are (obviously?) more pictures from Strawberry picking. Told you I had a bunch of them! :)

Linking up with Mandy's Mama Memoirs

Beautiful Mama

Being a mom can often be hard, stressful, tiring and scary. At the same time, it's also the most rewarding job out there, worth every moment. No doubt in my mind, when I look at these beautiful faces.







But it's often a thankless job. I know my kids and hubby love and appreciate me, but it often goes without saying. That's why it means so much when someone from the outside looking in recognizes and appreciates the kind of mom I am.

Layana at Raising Reagan passed along a sweet blog award to me, the Beautiful Mama award, and it's such a nice one because it's about motherhood--the thing I'm most passionate about!

While I don't typically pass along blog awards (boo on me), I do want to pass this one along, just to recognize some other moms who inspire me through their blogs. There are SO many mommy bloggers out there who inspire me so this was tough to narrow down, but here are a few:

Ariel from Dreams to Do, who always has a knack for eloquently writing what I'm thinking. Her post on losing control really hit home for me, because I've been there. Love her perspective on it. We're very similar in many ways, so I always love reading her blog.

Maria, from Every Day is Country Song, who had a long and emotional road to travel on the way to finally bringing home her sweet girl, Piper.

Noel (who also nominated me for a Very Inspiring Blogger award, thanks Noel!) from High Heeled Mama, who's always so fashionable and has a great perspective on showing her daughter the importance of being fit, active a healthy. She makes me feel bad for sitting on my butt all weekend (in a good way!)

Nancy from Ordinary Miracles & The Crazy 9, who's a mom to 7(!!) with some touching adoption stories and amazing and inspiring photos of her sweet kids.

Meghan from Love Meghan, whose post on unconditional love had me nodding my head in agreement.


If you also want to play along, here are the rules:
1. Use the above image in your acceptance post.
2. List 3 things you love most about motherhood.
3. Nominate as many other deserving mamas as you'd like!

Three things I love most about being a mom:

1. Being needed. This one kind of sounds selfish, but it's true. I love that they need and want me to be there for them, hold them, snuggle them, read to them, kiss their boo boos, talk to them and teach them. And I love doing those things.

Even if it means reading Lorelai the same book over and over again...



dealing with Aidan's tricky school situations...



or handling one of Logan's massive meltdowns.



2. Seeing their tight sibling bond grow. My kids love each other, and it makes my heart swell with joy. The way Aidan and Logan care about and look after their sister and each other is a gift. I hope it lasts forever and ever.




3. The unconditional love I feel. It's overwhelming sometimes how much I love my kids. It'll hit me when I'm snuggling and rocking Lorelai before I put her to bed and I just don't want to let her go. Or when the boys get off the bus with huge smiles on their faces, excited to tell me about something that happened at school. Or when we're playing outside or having an impromptu family dance party in the kitchen after dinner.



Sometimes I wonder how I got so lucky.


Also, linking up with Mandy's Mama Memoirs (another mommy blogger who inspires me, btw!), because what's more appropriate to share about motherhood than the reasons why I love it so much?! :)